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Let's Go Lite

Sama pakiramdam ko, tsk. Gustung-gusto ko nang um-absent pero wrong timing naman kung gagawin ko yun ngayon. Chini-chestpain na naman ulit kasi tayo. Iniisip ko kung nakasama yung tekila sakin. Di naman siguro. Naisip ko nga rin, ano na ba ang nagawa ko? Kung matetegi ba ako bigla, ready na ako?

Sa ganitong eksena several months ago (inaatake din ako ng chestpain nun), nung maisipan kong magsulat ng last will sa likod ng organizer ko. Natawa lang ako afterwards dahil marami sa inihahabilin ko eh mga walang value, tulad ng drafts ng mga creative writings ko at passwords ng mga blog accounts ko. Nakasulat na rin dun kung kanino mapupunta ang 'ari-arian' ko pati na yung pinakaingatan kong undeliverable messages. Kaloka. Wala man lang nakasamang lupa o bahay sa Brooklyn. Walang ganun eh.

Naisip ko rin na kung mategi ako, ano kayang sasabihin ng mga tao sakin sa lamay at misa? Gusto ko talagang marinig ang eulogy ng tao sakin. Baka naman pwedeng i-advance nyo na para makapag-thank you ako ahead. Sige na, pleaseeeee?

you were saying something?

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Semi-circles

KATU-KATULONG KO si Siege at Dyan sa pag-ubos ng Sauza tequilla sa haybol namin nung Sabado. First liquor drink in 3 months ito. Bukod sa mapili ako sa mga taong kasama sa bangels (halus sila lang yung gusto kong sinasamahan sa ganun kasi alam kong hindi ako pababayaang gumulong sa kalye), medyo nag-ingat din ako dahil medyo nag-OA ako sa pagbangels kaya hinayblad ako ng bonggang-bongga (reminds me, dapat ko nang itapon ang mga bottles).

Habang nag-iikutan ng tagay, pinagtsismisan namin yung mga taong hindi buo ang chapter ng pagkatao. Sang-ayon ako sa sinabi ni Siege na ang mga tao pag nag-step 1 hindi pupuwedeng mag-step 7 agad. Kailangan muna niyang pagdaanan lahat ng step bago siya makarating sa dulo. Walang cutting corners sa buhay ng tao. (Kumbaga sa pagganda, hindi mo pwedeng madaliin ang pagganda. Hehe..)

Tingnang mabuti ang drowing sa taas. Ano yan sa tingin mo? Bilog? Arko? Hmmm...

Parang ganyan ang ibang tao minsan. Nagmamadali, pabaya o dahil sa biglaang mga pangyayari, nagbunga ito ng mga unfinished businesses na subconsciously eh binabalik-balikan para kumpletuhin. Merun namang iba na nagpapaloko sa konsepto ng optical illusion. Parang pagguhit ng arko na humuhubog ng pagkabilog. Sa perception ng mata, oo, may naiguhit kang bilog kahit alam na alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi bilog ang dalawang arkong pinagharap kung hindi magkadugtong.

"Eh pano ba sila mabubuo?" I asked Siege, referring to those people na hindi buo at mga walang closure na eksenang nag-ipit sa kanila.

"Siguro kailangan nilang mag-usap para matapos na."

Hmmm... Parang ang dali lang ng solusyon. Siguro, case to case basis lang yun. Step by step lang din siguro yun. Naalala ko tuloy yung linya sa tula ni Gamalinda na paboritong-paborito kong gawing inspirasyon sa pagsulat.

"when your arms stretch out
the arc of their spill unsettles me
like the hidden roar of the ocean:
everything that I love lives in that space,
of whom I am almost always afraid.

Yung takot minsan, nahahaluan din ng pananabik, contentment at fulfillment. Yung takot siguro kaya kasama dahil syempre, ayoko ng expectation. Dahil alam kong minsan, ang mga arko kahit gaano kalawak at kabilog ay hindi lahat nagdudugtong para makabuo ng isang bilog.

you were saying something?

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Almost But Not Quite (Haha)

You'd believe I fit the mold of an ideal, matured sister...


...till you see me wearing a dirty Chucks.

you were saying something?

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Gordian Knots

THERE WAS a little commotion when my younger sister, Kenneth announced her wedding plans. By order of birth, according to matatanda, I am supposed to get married first before she could.

"May plano ka ba?" she asked me via chat.

I told her go ahead, I have no plans. "Pakasal ka kung gusto mo, ala akong plano pakasal. Di ako naniniwala sa kasal so kung iintayin mo ako, mabubulok ka." Half-jokes are half-meant as they say, hehe.

Then, she asked if I could be the maid of honor. My mother was the first person to object, di raw ako pwede. I was never a believer of traditions kaya kiber lang sakin. Kenneth's bestfriend abroad is more than willing to do it BUT HE happens to be unfit to do the role so she opted to have me instead. I didn't mind the 'naku, masama yan, bawal yan, hindi pwede yan' statements. It's all part of the effing tradition lang naman. Tradisyon naman kaya naging tradisyon, maraming nainggit o maraming pasenti satin na gustong gawin ng paulit-ulit ang mga bagay-bagay para mapasa ang history sa susunod na henerasyon. We didn't even know why we do these traditions, so I couldn't see anything wrong if I refuse to follow.

I maybe wrong because I didn't listen too well, but I think it was Pachelbel's Canon in D playing in the background when they closed the church maindoor for a cinematic effect of my sister's entourage. As a particular music is being played, they slowly opened the door where Kenneth emerged, accompanied by the 'white light' effect from the outside, silhouetting her and her Traje de Boda. Then, she walked slowly on the aisle. I saw one of my sisters cried. There were only two occasions I'd see our family members cry. Either namatayan or sobrang natuwa (or iyakin lang talaga, mahilig mag-inarte or eksenadora, haha). I disclosed this one as happy tears. Maybe, she's also just reminiscing our childhood memories (or iyakin lang nga). I shared tons of it, being the sister next to Kenneth. How I cried with her when she got rheumatic fever, when I used to go home from school with plastic plates and miniature pots or cauldron as our toys, when I wrote a note for her English teacher (to correct her wronged seatwork score and her teacher's lecture example), when I used to write lecture notes for her (she couldn't write that time because she was ailing on rheumatic fever), when I seem to be very difficult to reach for everyone, when she admitted reading my personal notes about my CatKeeper and all the exchanges of laughters and sarcastic remarks made my tears brim (which I held back for as long as I can, kasi kakalat ang mascarra ko, hehe).

It was happy kinda sad moment for me. Happy, that finally she's settling down. Frankly, I couldn't think of any other life for her aside from having a family of her own. I am ONLY sad because we'll be seeing each other less as I don't come home very often. And when I do, she'll no longer be there to open the door for me late at night. Nevertheless, I know I should be happy because the person I'm expecting to be happy is getting what she deserves to get. :)

# # # Post-note: There were no wedding bells and white doves nga pala, instead, huge butterflies were blown in the air by well-wishers all together. Aside from that, the wedding was theme ala-fairy land.

you were saying something?